Week 4 – Fuck dates – Yeah, I missed a week, get the fuck over it, I have. Anyway, without further ado and shit, this weeks winner goes to the owner of this bumper sticker. Shut up, it’s twice, it’s not a trend yet, but we’ll see.
Fuck yeah, buddy. They gotta put themselves through college somehow, right? Say it loud and proud, I stand up for lap dancers! Or, rather, I sit down for them, but you get the idea.
Week 2 (Feb 26-Mar 4, 2017) – This week’s winner is the gentleman who could take a joke. Pushing a row of 20-some carts back to the store, a car alarm goes off RIGHT as I come up on it. Normally I would just assume someone is looking for their car, as usual. Yes, it startled me a bit. This time, as I shook it off and turned to carry on, I noticed the gentleman ahead of me laughing his ass off as his woman slapped him and sounded as if she told him to apologize. My ears were still ringing a bit due to proximity. He laughed and shouted one of the most insincere apologies I’ve ever heard. “No problem,” I shouted back, as it wasn’t. I actually got a kick out of it. It was the same sort of shit I used to fuck around with my own friends with.
But Some time passed as I continued my progression through the lot and made my way over for a smoke break. I left Bertha (my cart pusher) near the side entrance as I sat back in my dark corner and puffed away. I happened to notice the same couple come out of the store. His lady was all polite and held the door for him, what a romantic. Luckily, I hadn’t shut Bertha down as I was just on a smoke break and not my lunch, and had the remote in hand. I couldn’t help myself. I started hitting the horn button on the remote much in the same pattern as his car alarm had sounded. Just a few times, mind you, but the result was priceless. He about jumped out of his skin and after the third horn blow, his woman realized what was going on and just laughed her ass off.
“Sorry” I shouted, insincerely.
He couldn’t even pretend to be mad. It was great. “No problem, asshole.”
Week 1 (Feb 19-Feb 25, 2017) goes to the owner of this bumper sticker even though seeing it would probably drive me to speed on the highway just so I could beat Gandalf the Grey.