There are many levels and subtle nuances to the art of proper parking lot etiquette so I thought I would take the time to list the basics here. Following these simple guidelines, you will be able to impress your friends with a new level of sophistication not even your mother ever thought you were capable of. And what’s best is that it doesn’t even take that much effort to do so! So, let’s get started, shall we?
Rule #1: Put’m where they go, damn it!
It seems simple enough, but all too often we find carts in places carts just shouldn’t be. Empty parking spaces, smacked into parked cars, in the middle of freeways, sideways in a river (not even joking on this one, people,) etc. There are two primary locations for shopping carts in your average shopping plaza. Now, if it’s just a little shop with a small parking lot and they’ve still got carts, they probably only really go inside, so take them there. Otherwise, the two standard locations are inside a main entrance (you should see other carts there at most times, just put it right in with them, preferably facing the same direction,) and in a corral (that’s the little metal doohickey that looks something akin to a big bike rack.) By the way, placing a cart NEXT TO a corral is not the same thing as placing a cart IN a corral, so don’t feel high and mighty because you walked your fat ass all the way over and left it sitting just feet, or even inches away from victory. You’re still a shitslut.
Rule #2: Line them up right.
Now, I’m not asking you to go through the corral and reorient any carts other assholes might have put in backwards, but yours should go in in such a way that it conforms to the majority of other carts. Basically, as you walk up to an open corral pushing the cart, simply turn it in and, if another cart is present and oriented properly, push it right into that other cart. Now, if you’re a gentleman with just a bit of upper body strength, go ahead and give it a bit of a push to make room for the next few carts. Don’t just leave the ass-end dangling out the back of the corral. And just like with Rule #1, next to the corral is in no way equivalent to in the corral.￼
Rule #3: It’s a shopping cart, not a garbage can.
This one seems simple but often seems one of the most difficult concepts under the sun to some people. A shopping cart is not a mobile dumpster. Now, most larger shopping centers, like mine, place garbage bins near their corrals and at the main entrances/exits. Go ahead and use them for your empty cups, cans, chip bags, etc. Hell, you can even toss in a diaper or two if you happen to require a change along the way (I’m assuming it’s your child that actually required the change…) Don’t bring full bags of trash from home and shove them in there. They’re there for convenience, yes, but not to subsidize your fucking monthly garbage bill. Also, if the bin happens to be full, walk your lazy ass over to another one or take it the fuck home and toss it. Little pisses me off more than hearing people bitch about a messy parking lot when they’re the ones making the fucking mess. Now, for the kicker, if you are just so God-damned far away from the garbage can or your shopping plaza doesn’t have any in them, the cart STILL isn’t a fucking trash bin, so don’t treat it like one. This holds true for trash collected while shopping, not just the shit laying around your nasty-ass car. If little Bobby got a Snickers for being such a good little redneck, throw the wrapper in the trash, not the cart. There’s no trash bin, you say? Well, we’ve already covered that scenario, now haven’t we?
Rule #4: It’s not a race.
Sure, you might have a sporty little Foxbody ‘Stang, that’s nice. Save if for the freeway. The parking lot is not your personal racetrack or obstacle course. Slow it the fuck down, Skippy. I’m not even really concerned for myself. I genuinely hope you do clip me so I can laugh at your ass on our way out of the court room while you hail a cab with your no-license-having ass. I’m concerned for all the little ones and elderly ones. They don’t move quite so quickly as I nor are they as avidly paying attention. Parking lot burnouts aren’t cool, they’re sad. Learn the difference. If you want show off your bad-ass little street-rod, do it somewhere else.
Rule #5: Shut the fuck up (your car, in this instance.)
Great, so you’ve got yourself a fancy aftermarket exhaust that just sounds “so fuckin’ awesome, man.” No one gives a shit. Shut the fuck up. Rolling by the front of the store while revving up that loud ass piece of shit doesn’t impress anyone, it annoys us. All of us. I only mention it because either you don’t realize this or you do, and neither situation is acceptable. Stop. Just fucking stop.
This goes for that stereo with those sick twelves you got in the trunk. I’m glad you like your music, that’s special. I don’t. It fucking sucks. Turn it the fuck down. You won’t be the first dip-shit that finds themselves getting cited for breaking the noise ordinance in my parking lot and you won’t be the last. Be smart, stay off the list altogether. It’s easy, TURN IT THE FUCK DOWN in public places. That’s all.
Well, that’s it for tonight, ladies and gents. This old asshole needs his beauty sleep. And don’t forget, put’m where they go, damn it!