When I was still a wee one, just a kid of eight or nine years age, I had already had enough of screaming, unruly children in stores.  Mind you, I’m not talking the average crying baby, the one mom picks up and rocks a bit or slips a bottle or pacifier to calm and satiate, I’m talking about the other ones.  The babies left to just scream and scream and scream (of course it’s the parents I’m pissed at here, not the little ones,) the toddlers allowed to run around and wreak havoc upon a store, the older children much the same, and even the fucking teenagers these days.  These are the problems.  Fuck, we’ll even touch a bit on grown-ass adults a bit.  You know the ones, you can’t tell them from fucking children anymore.

But we’ll start small.  You’re baby’s screaming.  Maybe it just misses your tit, maybe its shit itself.  Either way, pick it the fuck up and see what it fucking wants.  Messy diaper, guess what, we’ve got a spot for that in all our bathrooms.  Little sweaty, you’re indoors now, maybe pull off the blanket and let the fucking kid breath a little.  Has it been a while since you fed the creature?  No time like the present.  But whatever the fuck it is, figure it the fuck out.

Now for the toddlers.  Sure, they can be adorable.  Little fucking mini-yous.  They can also be complete fucking dickheads and douche-hats.  Again, little fucking mini-yous.  Here’s the catch, though, they’re YOURS.  So, when they run around the store knocking shit off shelves and bitching at the top of their lungs when you won’t get them that little toy or a pack of gum, it’s your responsibility to rectify the situation.  Pointing and sternly saying their name doesn’t fix it?  Okay, cool, do something else.  Look, I’m not going to lie.  I had a few embarrassing moments of my own with my own kids growing up.  I remember the first and last time my son decided he was going to sit on the floor, unmovable, and scream “But I want it” over and over again until I gave in.  I couldn’t believe my eyes or ears.  I’d NEVER done anything so moronic in my life, where was he getting this shit from?  Didn’t matter.  I had a mini flashback to a moment from my own childhood when a kid in a department store my mom was school shopping for me in did something similar.  This kid’s mom didn’t hesitate.  Scooped his ass up, over her shoulder, left the cart, grabbed her purse, and made for the door.  It was awesome.  No frown, no smile, no shame or discontent, just business.  Mom meant business.  So did I.  Same story.  Scooped his ass up, over the shoulder, and out the door (I don’t carry a purse, so one less step for this dad.)  Took him to the car, screaming the whole way, opened the door, set him in, shut the door and lit a cigarette.  It only took him about thirty seconds to realize what had happened and why.  The fake tears subsided, the shrill cries went away, and he just sat there looking at the back of the seat in front of him.  I waited a few seconds more, opened the door, motioned for him to get out.  When he did, I asked if he was done and if he understood we weren’t there for some little trinket or toy and we weren’t changing our mind now.  A quick, mildly defiant nod of submission and we were on our way.  Best part, my cart was left where it all began, untouched and ready to finish my trip.

Sure, this might not be an option for everyone, but the point is, there are options.  Your screaming demon is a nuisance to us all and you need to sort that shit the fuck out.

When it comes to those 5-12 year old little pests, it can be a tricky mess of symptoms and solutions in ways similar to the toddlers and teenagers.  It can be anything from balls-out bawling to screaming matches to, these days anyway, vulgar verbal attacks that put my filthy fucking mouth to shame.  Some of the parents in these situations I genuinely feel for.  You can look at them and see the desperation in their faces.  It’s not that they raised this kid this way, it’s that society has come to this.  Between television, radio, the internet, and the fucking broken ass school systems, kids are quickly become so fucking ridiculous it isn’t even funny anymore.  Regardless, they can be handled much like a toddler most times.  If you happen to have one of the ones with behavioral issues, I sympathize as I have too – the aforementioned son.  There are fixes for everything.  Does your kid have a TV?  Cut the fucking cord.  No, I mean literally, cut that motherfucker.  Splice an extension cord with the socket end to the TV then splice the plug end you cut off onto the plug end of the TV.  Little Jimmie or Jenny fuck up, you take that segment you just spliced together away.  Little Jimmie or Jenny fuck up in public, you let them know, they settle the fuck down or when they get home, that same cord goes away.  Not good enough?  They’re still on their tablet?  Well why the fuck did you let them keep it in the first place?  Na, just kidding, go ahead and let them keep it.  Just change the WiFi password.  Just search the internet or ask a friend.  We’ll help you figure out how to get your kid’s shit straight.  Now, as for the other kids, the ones that are assholes BECAUSE of their parents, I pity these poor kids but still can’t stand to hear their bullshit.  Not much to be done when the parents don’t give half a fuck though.

All right, on to the teens.  You little shitstain, self-righteous, know-it-all, pompous, pretentious, moronic, self-involved, delusional little twatwaffles… Your local department stores, grocery stores, gas stations, etc. are not your fucking hangouts.  If they are, I’m sorry, you live in the wrong fucking town.  I will NEVER understand what drives you simple-minded morons to congregate at my store but I wish I could because then I’d have an idea of how to make you go the fuck away (without losing my job.)  It might not even be so bad if you fucking bought something, but you don’t.  Sure, one of you might pick up a soda or something, but for the most part, you’re quite literally there just to be pains in our asses.  What simple little fucking lives you lead.  My kids?  Fuck, told them all their asses will be grounded the first fucking time I catch them at my store (or any other) without being sent by one of us (their parents.)  Would you like to know what happened the very first time my son decided to pop over without permission?  A colleague told me that he’d been there earlier that day and that he was a nice kid.  I texted the little woman and told her to inform him he was grounded for the next three days.  Hasn’t been back since.  Nor have any of the other kids.  Again, most of the little shits that frequent my store seem the type to have been raised by, no, not wolves, shit-for-brains parents.  Wolves might have taught them better.

Ah, and the worse kind of fucking child to deal with at any retail job site… the full-grown-ass-adult-child.  God I hate these people.  You know the ones.  He’s wearing his favorite Batman wife-beater, just wreaking of alcohol, bitching into his cell phone at whatever idiots dumb enough to listen and not hang up.  He picks shit up off one shelf, walks with it as he examines it, then sets it down on another shelf.  What’s worse is he does this repeatedly, and not, like, inadvertently to be an asshole, just because he’s that fucking absent minded that he doesn’t even know why he came to the fucking store.

Or the psychotic couple out in the parking lot at 11:00 PM on a Friday breaking up.  No, these folks don’t send a generic text or call one another, or talk civilly over a ‘last meal’ of sorts.  No, these redneck motherfuckers have a shouting contest window to window, get out, kick each others’ cars, throw shit at each other, have you recording the shit in case it goes way south and the police need to come… These motherfuckers… Jesus Christ… You fucking know who you are.  Please pull your God damned Jerry Springer bullshit in your own homes.  At least on your own property.  Stay the fuck out of my parking lot.

God I miss my youth some days.  Things really were so much fucking simpler.  You swore in front of adults, your parents heard about it, you ate some soap, maybe got a decent ass-whopping, then you made DAMN sure you didn’t do THAT shit again.  You disrespected an adult… well, pretty much the same process, and pretty much the same result.  You lived, you learned, you walked funny for a few hours, and you didn’t repeat your stupid shit.  Kids these days?  Fuck, the world is damned and it’s not by zombies, plagues, or nukes.  These fucking kids are going to be the downfall of modern society.

Oh, and kids these fucking days… NEVER put’m where they go, damn it!

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