Customer fucking service is one of the most worried about, toiled over, trained, repeated mess of shit to worry about in any retail or service job.  We hear things like ‘service with a smile’ and ‘the customer is always right’.  Well let me be the first to shatter this little facade for you, bull fucking shit.

Yes, to a large extent, we paint smiles on our faces and say “Yes sir”/”No ma’am”, and this genuinely helps to keep our stores in a positive light within the community.  It’s usually a small sacrifice, that trade-off of knowing this particular customer is just a dumb-ass, lazy cunt trying to swindle a few bucks out of a store and not just jack-slapping the shit out of them there on the spot.  Where it becomes a real issue is when either it’s just a blatant, repeated process by the same known customer or they are just so fucking wrong you can no longer appease them with any policy your store or site has at its disposal.

For instance, a while back as I stood up front waiting for a manager in regards to an issue on the lot, I overheard a conversation with the lady at our front desk and a customer she was dealing with.  The customer had brought in a lovely jacket, the tag still on, and demanded to receive a full refund for the price on the tag.  The very patient colleague of mine behind the desk informed this dumb bitch that she would be unable to give her a refund of any kind as it was not purchased at our store.  I don’t mean our particular store, I mean at any store in our chain.  The customer bellowed, hemmed, and hawed, bitch knew damn well she bought it here.  My manager approached and asked what I needed and I informed him that he might want to help out at the desk first.  After catching up to what was going on, he was quick to offer a solution.  In the meantime, he had tried scanning the bar code on the tag to show the woman it would not come up in our system, but alas, it did.  Catch was, it showed up as a pack of wash cloths valued at three dollars and some change.  He was kind enough to offer the woman this price in exchange for the jacket.  She wasn’t having it as the jacket was labelled at a $60 price tag.  The bitching continued, in defiance, as she stormed off threatening to call our corporate office and let them know what’s going on here.

“Have a nice day,” He replied with a smile as genuine as the bitches story of having bought the coat here.

There come times when customers need slapped.  Unfortunately, it’s frowned upon, so we do what we can where we can and how we can.  Me, I write about all their bullshit right here for you all to enjoy or loath, fuck you very much.  Other options?  Well, they vary by store and per policy.  It’s best to know your store inside and out before really fucking with any customers.  Even then, unless you’re really thought of in highest regards, probably still best not to fuck with them too much.  I do most of my revenge work in writing or imagining it unfolding as they walk away.  It’s not very effective in educating assholes or correcting the fucky behavior, but it is, to me, quite refreshing none the less.

Our store is actually quite accommodating to most people in the area of returns.  No receipt, no problem.  As long as it’s sold here, we’ll take it back for you (given it’s not ass-stained underwear or some other similar situation.)  We have those nifty little electric carts for ‘the handicapped’.  I put it in quotes as most of the handicapped folks that come in our store don’t use them.  Most rely on canes, walkers, their own chairs, etc.  Typically it’s just the fat people that take the electric carts.  And I’m not even talking like the morbidly obese motherfuckers that know damn well they went wrong somewhere, no, I’m just talking the lazy-fat fat people.  You know the ones.  I don’t really fucking care myself.  Sure, sit your fat ass down and roll around the store at your leisure.  But when you’re done, leave it where the fuck you found it.  Your fat ass managed to find its way into my store without one, it can find its way out.  There are fucking signs on each of these little scooters that CLEARLY state for IN-STORE USE ONLY, DO NOT REMOVE FROM STORE.  But why, you ask.  Well, because of weather for one thing.  They’re not ATVs and they’re NOT waterproof.  Want to know what they are?  Expensive as fuck to fix or replace.  But what pisses me off most about these particular people are the days when a genuinely handicapped individual manages to limp in using a cart as a walker hoping to find one of our buggies at their disposal and no… sorry, all the lazy-fat people showed up first.  It really sucks that you’re that lazy but not lazy enough to have found Prime Pantry on Amazon or a dozen other grocery delivery-type services.  I still have to smile at these people as I hop on the scooters to run them back inside where they belong.  It sickens me to do so.

We’re all responsible for and expected to uphold that customer always right bullshit mentality.  It sucks, but fuck it, just smile and curse them the fuck out under your breath like me.

No, it’s the good customers, the genuinely decent (for all you know, at least) folks that are sincere in their thanks when you hand them a bag or take their cart.  The ones in tears who hug you when they get up to the service area to find you there handing in the purse or wallet they left in their cart.  The ones who desperately try to tip you for helping load their groceries in their car because they genuinely can’t.  Those are the folks you do this shit for. They’re the ones who keep you punching in and not knocking motherfuckers out.

Sorry, little mushy there, I know.  Will watch that shit going forward.  Put’m where they go, damn it!

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