Let me start by saying that I do get why you do it, it’s just how excessively, and most likely, often you do it that pisses me off.  I’m talking to you, the asshole who hits the panic button on your vehicle’s key fob to sound your alarm because…you’ve lost your fucking car.  Oh, no, lady that taps the button to arm the system, you’re cool.  You get it.  That little honk or two is all you need to know the general direction of your vehicle and you probably realize that, with just a little luck, you’ll recognize it when you get close enough.  I mean, it is your fucking car and all.  But you, asshole, don’t go anywhere, I’m not done with you.

The panic button is there for a reason.  Now, if it’s dark and you notice a stranger approaching as you walk to your car and there just seems to be something off about him, by all means, press that fucking panic button and press it hard.  If he’s coming for you, it might be just enough, between startling him and drawing unwanted attention, to drive him to change course and just leave you the fuck alone.  If he’s just a creepy looking guy that has no interest in you and just happens to be walking in your direction, he’ll just think you’re a twat.  No harm done.  They’re nifty devices, those panic buttons, they are not, however, your own personal fucking homing beacon.  That shit’s annoying.  Stop doing it.  Tap the button to arm your system, listen for the honk, walk in that direction.  Don’t do this more than once or twice.  If you are that fucking lost then maybe it’s time to start thinking about public transportation.

Now, just to avoid this situation in the future, I’m going to give you some pointers on finding your precious little Prius (or whatever pansy-ass piece of yuppie shit you’re driving around in,) as you’re leaving your store of choice.  First off, if it’s a large store with multiple entrances, start by remembering which fucking door you came in and, here’s the kicker, GO BACK OUT THE SAME FUCKING WAY.  Look, you’re halfway home!  Sorcery, I know!  But you’ll get used to it, this thinking with logic thing.

Now, if it’s a larger store with a decent sized parking lot, the aisles are usually labeled.  I’ve only ever really seen two methods used, so it’s pretty simple to follow if you can count to 10 and know your ABCs (they’re usually either labeled with letters or numbers, in other words.)  When you park, simply note which aisle you’ve parked in, then it’s just a straight line and knowing what your vehicle looks like.  If you still can’t find it, go ahead and bump that button to arm or disarm your alarm system and follow the honk.  I’ll still hate you, but not nearly as much as that other asshole who just hit the panic button and let it run until he had line of site to his vehicle.

Landmarks!  They’re everywhere, and with a little perspective and foresight, you can use them to remember where you’ve parked.  When you got out of your car, did you notice a corral for returning shopping carts?  If so, good, you have one close and don’t have to be a dick leaving your cart in the middle of my lot, asshole.  If not, no worries, you’ll just have to get a little extra exercise to return your cart when you’re done with it.  But don’t fret, there are still ways to narrow down your location.  Look at the store.  Are you to the left, right, or center?  Are you lined up with a certain letter in the stores name?  A certain sign hanging on the wall?  A light pole or garden island?  Maybe you’re parked in front of another store in the plaza.  Notice a few of these things now so that when you come back out you won’t have to piss me off or anyone else that happens to be within earshot for that matter.

And for the real kicker, YES, there’s an app for that.  On both iPhone and Android devices there are a few (last I checked, possibly many more now,) apps to help you ‘anchor’ and find your car.  Get out, tap a button, go into the store, come out, tap a button, your phone tells you where to go (since you’re just too fucking lazy or stupid (or some complex mixture of the two, who’s to say?) to follow the above advice.)

Oh, look at me, how nice am I?  Since I’m home now and not just fiddling away my break, I’ve taken the time to look up a few of the aforementioned apps (on Android only, sorry, I’m not a yuppie, iPhone-toting douche-bag (no, you’re not all douche-bags, I know, but mostly,)) and have a few for you to choose from.  Don’t worry, all links open in a new tab/window so you won’t have to leave the greatness to check them out.

  1. Find My Car by Viralkumar Patel, rated E for Everyone, and weighs in with a hefty 4.7 out of 5 stars and holds a plethora of positive comments in the Play Store including replies from the creator, so even seems to be well maintained – Price: FREE
  2. Find My Car by Zadoc Games, rated E for Everyone, and weighs in with a matching 4.7 out of 5 stars with positive comments in the Play Store – Price: FREE
  3. Find My Car by Hyperlink Infosystem, rated E for Everyone, weighing in at a lackluster 4.0 out of 5 stars with some negative feedback not addressed by the developer – Price: FREE
  4. Find My Car by Idevelop.com, rated E for Everyone, and again, pulling a lackluster 4.0 of 5 stars though may be worth checking out as the reviews seem to be a bitmixed with some stating better accuracy than other similar apps while others say it’s worse – Price: FREE
  5. Find My Car (seriously, I can’t make this shit up people,) by Supersonic Technologies Inc., unrated (oh yeah, sounds frisky,) but beware as this one comes in at 3.7 out of 5 stars and is a paid app – Price: $0.99 (awe 😦 )

Give one a shot, or hell, for that matter, load up all five of them and confuse the fuck out of your phone’s GPS, and let us all know which one worked best for you!

So there you have it, folks, a few pointers on finding your car, not losing your car in the first fucking place, and not being a complete dickhead who lets the alarm sound until he/she manages to find their fucking car.  Help me make the world a better place one douche-bag at a time.

Oh, and when you finally do find your car and get all your goodies tucked away, don’t forget, put’m where they go, damn it!